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Saturday, March 10, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Closure.
I surprise myself all the time; I have never felt more relieved.
I dare to sleep in my man's arms, and be happy having such comfort without guilt.
Till the day my man gives me the speech, I'd be happy in this high.
I dare to sleep in my man's arms, and be happy having such comfort without guilt.
Till the day my man gives me the speech, I'd be happy in this high.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Keep Bleedin' Love.
I am extremely proud that for the entire month, I kept track of my expenditure, manually. Entries after entries on Google Doc, finally a pie chart was done today. Vices surprisingly took up quite a small percentage. This month's expenditure may not be the most accurate of all, since I splurged quite a bit on doctors' and travel.
I have also started running again and this time round, I have decided to throw in some diet so I can finally shed off those mean 5 kilograms gained last year. I have never been on a diet all my life, and boy, while it's exciting to commit to something new and I feel smarter knowing stuff like calories deficit, one gram of protein equates 4 calories, good carbs, bad carbs, good fats, bad fats etc, dieting IS TOUGH.
It's amazing how I used to eat and drink everything at all hours! Oh those munchies days, and those that I sleep for 48 hours, waking up only to eat then back to sleep, those binge drinking and supper days too. My weight was maintained at 45/46KG since polytechnic days till.. last year. That is no doubt, calories maintenance. My body was so used to that, my bioclock was tuned that way, maybe when I started working and eating "proper" meals at 8am, 12pm, 7pm, the body screwed up? Maybe when I led a healthier lifestyle of sleeping before 11pm and waking at 7am, cut down on cigarettes and alcohol, my complexion screwed up?
Anyway, I have to run because dad wants me to. We are doing half marathon again mid year, since stand chart last year was quite a flop. I started running last week and have been pretty pleased with my runs. As usual, I hate running and I can't run for nuts. After 3 months of inactivity, I had to start at 2km but it has been a steady increase. I did 2km, 3km & 5km last week and 8km this week so I guess I should be fine come May.
I would like to continue a strict diet till the 5KG is off, before I allow some junk. Right now, I'm extremely miserable because I have been suffering from pre menstrual cravings and bloating. There is no way anyone can diet and exercise during menses. All I want to do is bake my insanely chocolately triple chocolates cookies, take out my loot from Candy Empire, bring out those pints of ice-cream in my freezer and cry to Eternal Sunshine while binging on these in bed.
Cannot wait for menses to go, I hate snapping at everyone, I hate the whines, I hate the headaches, I hate the diarrhea, I hate the bloating, I hate the bad complexion, I hate the cramps, I hate the flow.. I hate menses.
I have also started running again and this time round, I have decided to throw in some diet so I can finally shed off those mean 5 kilograms gained last year. I have never been on a diet all my life, and boy, while it's exciting to commit to something new and I feel smarter knowing stuff like calories deficit, one gram of protein equates 4 calories, good carbs, bad carbs, good fats, bad fats etc, dieting IS TOUGH.
It's amazing how I used to eat and drink everything at all hours! Oh those munchies days, and those that I sleep for 48 hours, waking up only to eat then back to sleep, those binge drinking and supper days too. My weight was maintained at 45/46KG since polytechnic days till.. last year. That is no doubt, calories maintenance. My body was so used to that, my bioclock was tuned that way, maybe when I started working and eating "proper" meals at 8am, 12pm, 7pm, the body screwed up? Maybe when I led a healthier lifestyle of sleeping before 11pm and waking at 7am, cut down on cigarettes and alcohol, my complexion screwed up?
Anyway, I have to run because dad wants me to. We are doing half marathon again mid year, since stand chart last year was quite a flop. I started running last week and have been pretty pleased with my runs. As usual, I hate running and I can't run for nuts. After 3 months of inactivity, I had to start at 2km but it has been a steady increase. I did 2km, 3km & 5km last week and 8km this week so I guess I should be fine come May.
I would like to continue a strict diet till the 5KG is off, before I allow some junk. Right now, I'm extremely miserable because I have been suffering from pre menstrual cravings and bloating. There is no way anyone can diet and exercise during menses. All I want to do is bake my insanely chocolately triple chocolates cookies, take out my loot from Candy Empire, bring out those pints of ice-cream in my freezer and cry to Eternal Sunshine while binging on these in bed.
Cannot wait for menses to go, I hate snapping at everyone, I hate the whines, I hate the headaches, I hate the diarrhea, I hate the bloating, I hate the bad complexion, I hate the cramps, I hate the flow.. I hate menses.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Desperate Woman.
Today at work, I received a notification for a comment made by someone who isn't a friend on my Facebook list. Of course, the name was familiar. This girl, has been the cause of my quarrels with my exbf after the break up. Our initial fights about her was when I was in Phuket with him and found out that he lied to her (& was texting her during the trip) about our trip. I mean, we don't really lie to friends about our ex-es do we? Then I realized, she was one of those random girls whom he met in a club, so she was deleted from his life when we were together (i.e. deleted off Facebook off MSN off mobile off his life) but they miraculously became very close friends after the break up despite the lack of any means of contact. Then we quarreled over how she is attached yet was able to be his aunt agony for 3 months (that was then when we broke up for 3 months, obviously right now, her role as an aunt agony, has stretched beyond the period) texting him all the time. Then we quarreled again when we went on a date (yes after the break up, we were still in love and spending time like before) when she intentionally texted him to check on our progress - whether or not we have made love. Then we finally stopped quarreling because we stopped talking.
But I received this today, and read her comments on his page. Then I realized, this 32 years old (I think), whom he has been fucking (I assume because of the way she's behaving online as well as the messages sent) behind her boyfriend's (he claimed) back, is really deprived of attention. Gimme a break yo, J and I have been trying to get off each others' twitter and faccebook updates, I don't need a notification on a photo dated Feb 2011 to bring me back to these!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Timeline.
June: Rebel
The lack of belonging, lack of recognition, lack of conversion.
August: Shock
The lack of control, the lack of certainty, the lack of confirmation.
December: Laze
The realization; the lack of commitment, the lack of motivation, the lack of discipline.
February: Luck
The lack of incentives, the lack of morale, the lack of colleagues.
The lack of belonging, lack of recognition, lack of conversion.
August: Shock
The lack of control, the lack of certainty, the lack of confirmation.
December: Laze
The realization; the lack of commitment, the lack of motivation, the lack of discipline.
February: Luck
The lack of incentives, the lack of morale, the lack of colleagues.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Loneliness.
I spent the last 25 hours in bed cursing migraine, sleeping, dreaming, suffering and thinking of my 25 years worth.
I woke up at 4am after 10 hours of deep sleep and felt lost. In darkness and fear, I realized I am alone, and have been alone. I cried a little upon realization and decided to embrace the loneliness.
I decided to quit questioning. For the longest time, I questioned anyone and everyone, why do people cheat, why do cheaters lie, why do liars forgive (themselves), why do lovers break. I realized, there's no end and there's no understanding.
J has proven my point and I will stop.
So on impulse, I booked a trip out in April alone. My first trip alone. This is how I embrace loneliness and I think I am going to enjoy it.
I woke up at 4am after 10 hours of deep sleep and felt lost. In darkness and fear, I realized I am alone, and have been alone. I cried a little upon realization and decided to embrace the loneliness.
I decided to quit questioning. For the longest time, I questioned anyone and everyone, why do people cheat, why do cheaters lie, why do liars forgive (themselves), why do lovers break. I realized, there's no end and there's no understanding.
J has proven my point and I will stop.
So on impulse, I booked a trip out in April alone. My first trip alone. This is how I embrace loneliness and I think I am going to enjoy it.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
hello new year
A lot of painful things to start the year with, I'm not too sure if I am ready, or how I am able to pen my thoughts on my failed relationship which has been hurting so badly. This space is almost dead, if not for my occasion rants on work.
I try not to talk about relationships, or work, or anything upsetting in life. Because whiners are failures, successful men and women do not complain. But I guess I am just no successful, yet.
My relationship.
So, I broke up with an awesome guy, I still love him and think any girl who marries him, would no doubt become the luckiest girl on earth, any kid who calls him dad, is the luckiest kid in the world. He is awesome in every way but one. If I were the girl next door, if I were the loner in school, if I were socially awkward and have no friends, we would have been perfect, he would be awesome in all ways, but we would have never met. If he never had a past, never had the first girl, the second girl, the third girl, the random girls, the life he had, the life he lived, the life he saw, he would have been perfect, but he would never have loved me this much. We tried being friends and I was selfish holding him on, so I stopped. Nobody told me breaking up with someone was so hard, you have no one to blame but yourself, you have to be firm and hold your grounds, your heart aches cries bleed yet you smile to the world.
Then, through dark nights and lonely days, I wondered, why. Perhaps, love was meant for only one and therefore only once. Perhaps, as we grow older, love more and know more, we discount love and relationships. I blame cheaters who ruin the trust couples should have. I blame lust for allowing such acts to materialize. I blame the media exposure which introduce the idea of lust and cheating. For without cheating, trust would be built, jealousy would be controlled, possessiveness would not come about, and the world would be a better place.
(This is for sure a childish thought, but what else can I blame it on?) Then, I wish for pushing daisies and charmed and pray for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again.
---
At work.
Novemeber and December were bad, I nearly left employment and migrated to Thailand, sadly, daddy refused. So I picked myself sometime in January, and have been working my ass off in an office where dramas are never ending. Today three consultants resigned, all of them are close and important to me and it breaks my heart. I know the letters are not going to stop, which means, I have to stick it through. Of course, I do not want to stay, but daddy says another 2 years minimum, and I have already made decisions my entire 24 years based on what daddy says, what's another two? I cry every morning when I wake up and drag myself to work, but I believe, eventually, I will get what I want and the man, will too, be on my side. Proving my worth is one huge step, I know it's worth it. (I know I might possibly change my mind in less than 12 hours)
---
So here, Goodbye January, Hello Feb.
I try not to talk about relationships, or work, or anything upsetting in life. Because whiners are failures, successful men and women do not complain. But I guess I am just no successful, yet.
My relationship.
So, I broke up with an awesome guy, I still love him and think any girl who marries him, would no doubt become the luckiest girl on earth, any kid who calls him dad, is the luckiest kid in the world. He is awesome in every way but one. If I were the girl next door, if I were the loner in school, if I were socially awkward and have no friends, we would have been perfect, he would be awesome in all ways, but we would have never met. If he never had a past, never had the first girl, the second girl, the third girl, the random girls, the life he had, the life he lived, the life he saw, he would have been perfect, but he would never have loved me this much. We tried being friends and I was selfish holding him on, so I stopped. Nobody told me breaking up with someone was so hard, you have no one to blame but yourself, you have to be firm and hold your grounds, your heart aches cries bleed yet you smile to the world.
Then, through dark nights and lonely days, I wondered, why. Perhaps, love was meant for only one and therefore only once. Perhaps, as we grow older, love more and know more, we discount love and relationships. I blame cheaters who ruin the trust couples should have. I blame lust for allowing such acts to materialize. I blame the media exposure which introduce the idea of lust and cheating. For without cheating, trust would be built, jealousy would be controlled, possessiveness would not come about, and the world would be a better place.
(This is for sure a childish thought, but what else can I blame it on?) Then, I wish for pushing daisies and charmed and pray for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again.
---
At work.
Novemeber and December were bad, I nearly left employment and migrated to Thailand, sadly, daddy refused. So I picked myself sometime in January, and have been working my ass off in an office where dramas are never ending. Today three consultants resigned, all of them are close and important to me and it breaks my heart. I know the letters are not going to stop, which means, I have to stick it through. Of course, I do not want to stay, but daddy says another 2 years minimum, and I have already made decisions my entire 24 years based on what daddy says, what's another two? I cry every morning when I wake up and drag myself to work, but I believe, eventually, I will get what I want and the man, will too, be on my side. Proving my worth is one huge step, I know it's worth it. (I know I might possibly change my mind in less than 12 hours)
---
So here, Goodbye January, Hello Feb.
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