latenightcoffeeandcigarettes

Timeline.

2012-02-11T00:11:00.000-08:00

June: Rebel

The lack of belonging, lack of recognition, lack of conversion.

August: Shock

The lack of control, the lack of certainty, the lack of confirmation.

December: Laze

The realization; the lack of commitment, the lack of motivation, the lack of discipline.

February: Luck

The lack of incentives, the lack of morale, the lack of colleagues.

Loneliness.

2012-02-04T05:59:00.000-08:00

I spent the last 25 hours in bed cursing migraine, sleeping, dreaming, suffering and thinking of my 25 years worth.

I woke up at 4am after 10 hours of deep sleep and felt lost. In darkness and fear, I realized I am alone, and have been alone. I cried a little upon realization and decided to embrace the loneliness.

I decided to quit questioning. For the longest time, I questioned anyone and everyone, why do people cheat, why do cheaters lie, why do liars forgive (themselves), why do lovers break. I realized, there's no end and there's no understanding.

J has proven my point and I will stop.

So on impulse, I booked a trip out in April alone. My first trip alone. This is how I embrace loneliness and I think I am going to enjoy it.

hello new year

2012-01-31T06:51:00.000-08:00

A lot of painful things to start the year with, I'm not too sure if I am ready, or how I am able to pen my thoughts on my failed relationship which has been hurting so badly. This space is almost dead, if not for my occasion rants on work.

I try not to talk about relationships, or work, or anything upsetting in life. Because whiners are failures, successful men and women do not complain. But I guess I am just no successful, yet.

My relationship.

So, I broke up with an awesome guy, I still love him and think any girl who marries him, would no doubt become the luckiest girl on earth, any kid who calls him dad, is the luckiest kid in the world. He is awesome in every way but one. If I were the girl next door, if I were the loner in school, if I were socially awkward and have no friends, we would have been perfect, he would be awesome in all ways, but we would have never met. If he never had a past, never had the first girl, the second girl, the third girl, the random girls, the life he had, the life he lived, the life he saw, he would have been perfect, but he would never have loved me this much. We tried being friends and I was selfish holding him on, so I stopped. Nobody told me breaking up with someone was so hard, you have no one to blame but yourself, you have to be firm and hold your grounds, your heart aches cries bleed yet you smile to the world.

Then, through dark nights and lonely days, I wondered, why. Perhaps, love was meant for only one and therefore only once. Perhaps, as we grow older, love more and know more, we discount love and relationships. I blame cheaters who ruin the trust couples should have. I blame lust for allowing such acts to materialize. I blame the media exposure which introduce the idea of lust and cheating. For without cheating, trust would be built, jealousy would be controlled, possessiveness would not come about, and the world would be a better place.

(This is for sure a childish thought, but what else can I blame it on?) Then, I wish for pushing daisies and charmed and pray for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again.

---

At work.

Novemeber and December were bad, I nearly left employment and migrated to Thailand, sadly, daddy refused. So I picked myself sometime in January, and have been working my ass off in an office where dramas are never ending. Today three consultants resigned, all of them are close and important to me and it breaks my heart. I know the letters are not going to stop, which means, I have to stick it through. Of course, I do not want to stay, but daddy says another 2 years minimum, and I have already made decisions my entire 24 years based on what daddy says, what's another two? I cry every morning when I wake up and drag myself to work, but I believe, eventually, I will get what I want and the man, will too, be on my side. Proving my worth is one huge step, I know it's worth it. (I know I might possibly change my mind in less than 12 hours)
---

So here, Goodbye January, Hello Feb.

2011-10-23T01:17:00.001-07:00

I have never felt this pain before.

Late night beer and cigarettes

2011-10-06T07:52:00.001-07:00

I have never pictured myself having a drink alone, but this is the second time
I'm doing it in the span of one week.

It's quite a joy to do this. Not so much the last time when I took a walk to the Irish bar opposite. Kilkenny was good then but the unfamiliar waiters and crowd were not that enjoyable. Right now, I'm settled at Donna's and my Peroni was served by our Pinoy friend, the rain is falling and I'm truly enjoying this. I miss my boyfriend though, wish he wasn't down suffering from the horrible flu that caused him to be stuck in bed 3 days straight.

I'm going to smoke one more stick of cigarette, finish up my beer, take a walk under the rain and sneak right back to bed to snuggle with the boy.

TGIFT!

Blogger on BlackApple

2011-09-09T01:05:00.001-07:00

I'm so excited that Blogger App is finally up! For the longest time I've been searching for a good app for my BlackApple. The only problem is that my pictures cannot be published. Anyhow, still thankful I can finally write on the go because my WhiteApple is on his deathbed and I have no intention to invest in a new one till December. 

Forgot about this important update:

2011-07-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

I look absofuckinglutely like a big fat oily piece of !@#$%$#@! now.
Cannot wait to finally get used to this and start looking normal again.

with Hate and Love,

2011-07-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to update this space but work and sleep are so important that I have not touched WhiteApple since God knows when. I'm only writing here because my boy is sick and sleeping and we have a trip in 15 days so I'm on his Agent Silver to do some research. I'm so caught up with (getting used to) life that I even forgot I have a blog.

I am five months into my job and still not settled. So much happened after my breakthrough month - June was a wasted month for work. Despite all self-reminders, I allowed myself to be affected by the co-workers and it felt like we went on strike, caused a riot and lost a battle. Honestly, it was only my partner and I who lost. Therefore, the two wounded new girls have to pick ourselves up from the lost war.

If I were to plot a graph to scale the level of happiness in relation to the months spent at work, it would be a steep downwards slope which hits the negatives within the first month. Surely there are a little ups here and there, but the ups never did go up high enough to even hit 0. On the other hand, I have been staying with my boyfriend for five months now (I know it feels like forever but really, it has only been 5 months!) and surprisingly, this graph is quite the opposite as compared to work!

I am absolutely in love with my boyfriend and absolutely in love what we have. I spend every single day with him, every single night beside him, have almost every meal with him.. it's absolutely disgusting but in an awesome way.

I am very sure this happiness cannot be fault, it has to be real. I'm not puppy loving nor am I drugged to love, I am just truly, blissfully, in love.

The big M.

2011-06-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

I'm in complete daze at the moment thanks to a bad migraine attack yesterday. I woke up at 5am in the morning, took some panadols, woke up at 7.30am for work with a heavy head. Reached the train station looking like a total wreck and spent a good 5 minutes vomiting my guts out at the urine and shit stained toilet in the station itself. The last meal I had was 11.30am the day before, the gastric was acting up as well, so after calling in sick, the boy insisted on breakfast. I took a few sips of ice coffee and three teaspoon of half boiled eggs, and again, spent a good 5 minutes vomiting in the roach filled toilet at the run down coffee shop. Finally made it home after a 10 minutes wait for cab and 5 minutes ride (it felt like an hour ride up through some bumpy hill), I made it home. Spent another 5 minutes vomiting in the comfort of my own toilet before I hit my bed to sleep. After a few migraine and vomiting pills, the ordeal is finally over. Had my first decent meal, marmite porridge, the one and only comfort food at 5pm. This is a typical migraine day for me - the vomiting, the explosive throbbing pain, the heaviness on the shoulder, the discomfort.. I've been living this migraine lift for 10 years, and counting.

It's a painful process, for myself and those around me. Migraine attacks ruin everything, I don't know how long I can hold on to a full time job with this curse.

Expiry, Harvest, Management!

2011-05-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

On that paper that my company and I signed on, my expiration date is up.

Two entries ago, I was whining about being slow, unproductive and incapable of churning numbers. Two months later, there are finally figures on board, or rather, GOOD figures. I'm pretty pleased with the harvest. The sweet harvest from hard work and long hours in March as well as challenges faced in April.

May has truly been an emotional ride at work - anticipation to close a big deal, disappointment when candidate screwed it up last minute, anger when client blamed and screamed followed by worries that I am in an absolute wrong place as well as frustration. Another smaller deal failed just recently but thankfully I have also closed three other smaller ones and come Tuesday, it's make or break for another big one. This month's closing is good but this is definitely only the start.

If you haven't figured, I'm a headhunter. In this line, it's all about people management. Clients - they are usually mean and unmanageable, but we have to find ways around different department, different people and manage them anyhow. Candidates - you manage their expectations, be their aunt agony, have breakfast, lunch, dinner and coffee with them, but they are generally more appreciative and happier beings. Bosses - yes you have to manage your bosses, manage their expectations of you and in my case, I have to manage and fight for my rights. Colleagues - they are the ones who can either help you out greatly or screw you over completely. That sums up the bulk of the job. In this line, you only have a maximum of 33.3% control over closing a deal. Therefore, this job always take you by surprise and managing your own stress should be the priority but it is never the case.

I'm a survivor.

2011-05-14T03:19:00.000-07:00

When I first signed on the dotted line for a 3 months contract, I was relieved and worried. Relieved because that was the end of talks and nags from concerned family members and friends, relieved because it was only a 3 months contract, and I could leave after 3 months should I hate anything about the job. At the same time, 3 months seemed like forever to me then, having to give up the carefree life that I've been so used to for the past 23 years and transit to commitment, was one of the toughest change in my life. Commitment to waking at 7am everyday, commitment to traveling to work with the morning crowd which I hate (since young I swore never to become one of those soul-less, life-less adults who stand on the platform waiting to squeeze into the sardine packed train just to make it to work- which most of them hate), commitment to sitting in an office for an average of ten hours daily, commitment to working for and reporting to someone, commitment to perform at work.

That was a hell load of commitment and if we were to review my 23 years of carefree life (the number of detentions I served for "skipping school without valid reasons" during my secondary school days, the number of polyclinic visits to get cheap MC during my polytechnic days, the thick files of MC collected over my 6 months of internship, the amount of pay I was getting during my part time work (There was never a need for CPF contribution cos my monthly income was too low), the number of days I stepped into SIM during my 3 years of uni as well as the fact that in my entire 23 years, no teacher/lecturer and even my parents could lecture me without a debate or argument, the bet was, I wouldn't be able to succeed, at least not alone.

I'm 2 months and 14 days into my contract now, and I'm surviving. I took an average of 1.5 days MC per month but I'm extremely proud of the numbers. The whole transition from a student to a working adult saw me falling sick every other day, yet I managed to report to work. Migraine lingers around every day, on the second month that I took MC, I was down with food poisoning. I stuck it out for 6 hours in the office (although I spent most of the time going in and out of the toilet) before I dragged my sorry and very painful ass down to Changi for an hour's meeting at my client's place and I finally got home at 4pm. I spent the next 3 days in bed.

Although I'm living the healthy lifestyle now i.e. sleeping by 12 everyday, eating at home most of the day, my health is in "crisis" due to the stress that this job gives, together with the factor of adapting to a new life style. Today, the rare days that I get to sleep in, I woke up at 8am and traveled down to a polyclinic and spent 2 hours queuing and consulting. I took a blood test for thyroid, scheduled a surgery for a cyst and a colon scope, made plans for pap smear and cervical cancer jab. Nothing can be done to the excessive migraine except, perhaps, yoga and meditation.

I don't love such a boring, mundane life but at the same time, this is what I have to do to make sure I love my life ten years down the road.

wols is bad.

2011-03-21T06:06:00.000-07:00

Never thought I'd be so slow and unproductive at work, my daily reports disgust me, especially today's. Time management is definitely the number one skill I have to acquire right now. One and a half week left till the end of the month, I really have to speed up!!!

Farewell to magick

2011-02-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

I fell in love, ditched my old lifestyle and quit my addictions. Even if I fall out of love again, I know I will not return to The Forest. The only things on my list are a healthier thus slimmer self, new furniture, an apartment and a world tour.

je t'aime

2011-02-17T02:45:00.000-08:00

Due to busy schedules, we agreed to celebrate valentines day a week late. However, the effects of monday blues saw us rushing to Le Petite Cuisine after his work. Serene's outlet was closed so he called the one at Thomson. Turned out, the pinoy waiter thought it was another guest by the same name calling in to push forward his reservation. Thankfully, the chef managed to get us a table and there, our unplanned valentines day dinner. (We were really gloating over the fact that all the guests made reservations at least a week earlier and every single walk in customer was being rejected!) We ended our monday night with a couple of pints at the irish bar opposite his place and took a slow walk home, such bliss.

11's house party

2011-02-16T02:33:00.000-08:00

From 010111

Since we had the entire house to ourselves, we decided to throw a little get together with our friends on new year's day. The BBQ food was awesome (pork ribs, steak, chicken/pork chop, polish sausages, portobello mushrooms w cheese, golden mushrooms & bacon wraps, fish paste and fresh prawns! our nye's marinating efforts were well paid off when friends started asking about the marinades used) and 4 cartons of beer were not enough to go around. Some spent the night wii-ing away while others engaged in serious rounds of poker, but the highlight of the night was definitely the intense game of beer pong. It's no easy feat preparing, entertaining, and cleaning up for a party like this but it was fun while it lasted.

December Loving Deuxième Partie

2011-02-07T23:41:00.000-08:00

The Faux surprised me with an early Christmas present and ferried me away to Bintan Island. It's amazing how a 50 minutes ferry ride could bring one to such paradise. Nothing beats lazing around the entire weekend with your lover by the beach/pool followed by a couple of hours at the spa. Cheap seafood dinner at Sebung, Tze Char dinner at Oleh Oleh Pasar, random eateries along the road or expensive alfresco dining at the Lagoon's restaurant were all extremely enjoyable and pure indulgence. Since it was our virgin trip to Bintan, we even opted for something touristy, we booked a fireflies tour and managed to return from the "tour" with 5 little fireflies. It was an awesome little getaway. Thank you BB.

Decemeber Loving Une Part

2011-01-09T01:40:00.000-08:00

xBaking Seshx

From of unexpected love

We spent 4 hours making tiramisu cakes for my sister's birthday and our new year day's party. The cake is so yummy, even my parents loved it. My mother shamelessly asked faux to bake a cake for her birthday!

xNew Year's Evex

From of unexpected love

Thanks to our 010111 party, we spent new year's eve home defrosting and marinating 11KG of meat. In the midst of doing grocery shopping for the party, we managed to drop by swiss butchery's for some fillet mignon, losbter bisque and some greens. While I was cleaning up the front porch, the faux whipped up an awesome dinner for us. Despite our crazy preparation, we managed an hour or so of alfresco dining in the comfort of his house. Though he cheated with pre-marinated steak and instant soup, the meal was definitely better than dinning in at over-priced, crowded restaurants. TBVH, I'm still craving for the soup, steak and jap-dressing salad. Our meal ended when he served my special tiramisu in a little tea cup.

Happy 2011

2011-01-05T09:59:00.000-08:00

As I grow older, I no longer look forward to the new year with hopes that it will bring about a brand new start or a better year ahead. However, looking back to evaluate the year that has just ended is still something of great importance.

Before going to that, I have not given my thanks this Kissmas.

I would like to give thanks to the same old people who have been on the list forever, my girlfriends, 10 years of awesome friendship, the only group of friends that stood by me through thick and thin, good and bad, the only group of friends that has never given me immature "friendship problems" throughout the entire course. Ladies, I'm glad we've finally taken our first honey moon trip in year 10. As we embark into our work lives, we'll not only embrace better luxurious life here in Singgas but also more extravagant honeymoon overseas.

To the other girlies in my life, those who indulge in all unhealthy alcohol infused activities with me in the wee hours, thank you for the many nights of intoxicated fun and sober afternoons of coffee seshs. May our kidneys and lungs work wonders for as long as we live and may our friendships blossom with every cup of drink we tah. Vegas is approaching, let's work hard for monies and let's work hard for our friendship.

To my family, for always tolerating my habits and for allowing me to have the time of my life during my little unofficial gap year period. I will love more, earn more, and make sure you guys have the time of your lives too.

To my lover, I can never imagine the guy who sat opposite me, while I was fucked outta my face, will eventually end up here, beside me in my bed. I asked for an angel in my prayers, and God sent you. Thank you for your honesty and love every day, I will love you the same till the day you leave.

To my man, its kissmas, I just want to let you know, you're included in my prayers all the time, I hope you will be fine eventually.

To the only other girl who made it to the list, thank you for screwing up so badly, I'm sincerely thankful you showed me the ugly side of human. I hope, one day, you'll be a better person, I'll keep you in my prayers too.

The End

2010-12-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

I just did the bravest thing (which I'll probably regret sometime down the road) - I deleted my entire FEW years worth of entries. I'm about to embark on an entirely new life, the real adulthood, I need to stop looking back on my teenage life.